Thursday, April 24, 2008


Hello new parents! Congratulations on your
accomplishment. We can only assume that you are
nervous, excited, and full of questions like “Should I
breast feed?” “What if my baby cries all the time?”
and “How can I most effectively package and develop my
baby’s content for maximum distribution and revenue
generation on the Internet?” Lucky for you, our
company has the answers. To the third question.

Your friends might already have baby blogs, or a
flickr pages. Boring. Your baby can do so much more. A
baby allows you to increase your internet presence
ten-fold, thereby multiplying your opportunities to
create a genuine family brand that will drive
delighted consumers back to your website again and
again to view your particular brand of family

By creating a solid web presence, you’ll also be
helping your baby. By the time your baby enters
elementary school, they’ll have a fan base, a thriving
interactive web site and a marketable personality that
can easily connect with consumers. Remember how you
wanted that jersey only the cool kids had? Well, now
your kid is the cool kid but this time Nike’s paying
you 2% of the revenue based on sales from your site

As you look at your little flesh lump you might think
“but my baby isn’t doing anything particularly
hilarious and doesn’t seem to have a personality yet.”
Trust us: personalities are crafted, not born. You
just need to package your baby. Ask yourself the
following questions:

1. Does my Baby do anything weird when music is on?
2. Does my Baby do something that seems
preternaturally adult?
3. Would I be comfortable letting my baby fall great
4. Be around a scary animal?
5. Bear? Cheetah?

If your baby is dull, take heart: this is not about
what your baby does, but what the web says your baby
is. And you can make your baby do anything. It's a
baby. Here are some sample suggestions:

Baby who you’ve taught to say “NO WAY OSAMA BIN LADEN
and shake finger in a sassy way.

Or give your baby an adjective and let the site’s
content naturally develop from your efforts to apply
that adjective across multiple media platforms. For
instance, EDGY BABY might have a Mohawk. EGDY BABY
posts videos from Lollapalooza or a similar mass
culture event with niche market applications. EDGY
BABY’s photo gallery is full of hilarious pictures of
EDGY BABY asleep next to a well-placed glass of beer.
EDGY BABY swears in his/her blog (which you write
until EDGY BABY is both literate and a foul mouthed
bastard). A collateral benefit of this approach
ensures that by the time that EDGY BABY’s obligatory
nude photos emerge in their teenage years, EDGY
BABY/TEEN is ready to take them to the bank.

In terms of unique site visitors, product links,
subscribers and onsite ads, your baby’s content is one
of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Get that
web presence rolling, and then we’ll talk reality tv,
book deals, you name it. Remember - in five years, if
you're not a product, you're not a person.

No comments: